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Happy Independence Day

Well, its Independence day and I have decided to stay home until tonight.  All the family has went to the lake but I just couldn’t make myself go, so I have been watching music videos and movies for most of the day.  My cousin tried to get me to go out last night but again, I just couldn’t get my ass of out of the house.  I have been doing a lot of thinking here lately.   My thinking has consisted of work, life, and love and where I will be at 10 years from now.   I am seven months from turning the big 30 and realize I have don’t much except work my ass off.  The job I have, well I have had since I was 19 and slowly started making my way up the ladder but damn there is always someone who wants to try and push you down.  For instance, the department I am over thinks they can push me around.  You know, I have let it slide for a while but finally enough was enough.  I warned them that if their attitudes didn’t change that they would be wrote up for their actions.  Apparently, they thought I was bluffing and pushed too far.  He happened to be one of the loudest people and was a jerk to most.  Well I took care of that.  I have never seen him more quiet.   The silence was riveting.

It seems that I haven’t been on a real vacation in about three years.  The last vacation I had was down to the gulf of Mexico and the damage from the hurricanes was still there.  There were people still living in the f.e.m.a housing and what is worse is that they were surrounded by a fence with only one way in and out.  Now what were these people suppose to do if an emergency came up.  What did f.e.m.a think was going to happen?  That the people were gonna hook up the damn trailers to their cars and haul ass with them.  Oh, I don’t know, maybe I am overreacting to that.  Oh, I started getting off subject here.  The point I was trying to make is that I haven’t had a real vacation.  Well on my last vacation I started getting sick.  Didn’t know what was causing it but the further south I got (because I was on my way to the Padre Islands) the sicker I got.  Didn’t know what was happening till we got on a ferry boat and I passed out.  Yes, it was discovered I have started having panic attacks.  Not to fun I might add.  Especially when you need to get away.  I am so going to try this again next spring.

I did however make it a Lonestar concert.  I can honestly say that the crowd was not bad at all and I actually felt comfortable.  Of course that could have been because of the half bottle of tequila I drank on the way or the 12 beers I had while watching the show.  either way it was great.  Then my friends and some of my cousins went to a local bar afterwards where I actually got my ass out on the dance floor which I have not done in so long that I was sore the next day.  Here are some pics of the concert.

Sorry for the poor quality in the photos but there they are.

Now, the love part.

Love is something that I have decided to not really give up on, but just let it go for now.  I can see that it is clearly  not for me.  I am a selfish workaholic who would rather be at work than anywhere where else.  I don’t know why but it is the safest place for me.  In my mind anyway.   You know, when you have only been with one person both relationship wise and sexually,  you don’t really know what is actually out there.  The hard thing is, is when you try to get out and see what the world has to offer, the one you gave your heart to tries to stop you even when he knows he doesn’t want you.  That is so confusing, you know!   I mean I gave this guy my virginity.  BIG mistake on my part and at the time I thought it was worth it.  I mean I knew the moment we met, that he was the one who would do it.   I mean I never wanted sex until him.  Of course it took almost a year just to get to sex with us.  After spending so much time together, what goes wrong.  I have been asking myself that, and asking and asking.  I can never get an answer.  I guess time is not ready for me to know just quite yet.  In due time though I will get the love I so desire and when I do, I just hope I can express how much love I really have to give.

With that said, live like its your last day here on earth,  laugh at everything and make some awesome memories, and love hard to let your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend know how much you love him or her.  Everyone needs to hear that they are loved.

When You Love Someone?

When you love someone you have got to let them go, right?  At least that is what I have always thought.  What do you do when someone has a hold of you and you can’t get them to realize that its never going to work.  Three years of this crap, I have been dealing with from the same person.  Just when I think he has let me go, he tries to drag me back in.   It makes it hard to find happiness in someone else when the person you love, one who does not love you  back, won’t leave you alone.

Oh, I don’t understand.  I mean, we can’t get along, we hardly talk anymore and yet he still tries to hold on.  What for?  Does he not want me to be with anyone else?  So many things that I don’t understand and yet I would like to get answers but when I try, he will try to venture away from the subject and will not give me any answers at all.  What kind of crap is that?

Well that is my bitchfest for now.  I have so much more on my mind but I can’t get all out the way I want it to.

I hate being preoccupied!

Jason Boland!!!

Wow, it has been like terribly hot the past two days but I did manage to get out last night and go to the Jason Boland show in Sallisaw, Oklahoma.  It was on ok show.  I only knew a few of the songs but thats ok.  I’m not the one who flipped the bill, I just did the driving, so who could complain, right?

Let me tell you what a struggle it was to get me to go.   I am no way, shape, or form a people person.  Not like I use to be anyway.  I started having panic attacks a few years ago and well large crowds is what triggered them.   Anyhoo, We get to Sallisaw and the stage is in like this huge field on a parking lot. There was a lot  of people around but the space was so open that it didn’t bother me this time.  My friends kept waiting for me to freak out LOL!  Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Now it is time to go to some ball games but before I go here are some pictures of last nights event.

Diamond Daze

Jason Boland

Noah Jefferies

Brad Rice

Roger Ray

Noah Jefferies (left) Grant Tracey (right)

Well, that is it for now.  I gotta get and head to the ball fields!! Have a great weekend!!

P.S,  I so hope I got the names in the right places on these photos!!  If I don’t please forgive me!! Thanks in advance!

Hello world!

Well, this is going to be my first blog here.  I am hoping that I will be able to keep up with this one as I have let my others fall apart due to being busy and just couldn’t get back into the habit of writing there anymore.  I should say that I live a very complex like, to say the least, and that I will be bitching on here from time to time.  I have been messaged about my choice of words before, so please, if you don’t like what you read, just simply don’t read it.  I would also like to state that I am gay.  I just want that out in the open so you will know what you will be getting into.  No, I am no flamer by any means.  I also have a dry sense of humor most of the time but mostly around the people who can handle it.  So, if I post a subject that you can relate too and you want to leave your dime in the comment section, hey I”m all ears.    With that being said, I will go.  For now that is.



Note to self:  Find where the post button is before you type anymore blogs.

Do I still love you?  You know I still love you.  The answer is yes.  You also asked what happened between us.  Well, that is something I don’t have an answer for.  I have been asking myself the same question.  You told me that the fun Rod is gone.  What does that even mean?  I am the same person you met three years ago.  So what has changed?  Have you even thought about asking yourself the same questions?  Of course not because you are still the same transparent person you have always been.  It has always been about your wants and needs and I guess I just can’t give you any of that anymore.  I will not apologize for it.  I have apologized enough over the last year over things that weren’t really my fault but took blame for the sake of argument.  I refuse to do that anymore.   Damn it, why did I tell you that I loved you.  Oh well, it has already been said.  I guess I was either the one strong enough to say it or I was the foolish one, too stupid for believing you could love me.  Which is it?

I try to avoid you because I don’t know what to say to you anymore.  My heart stops every time I see you.  The fake profile you made, you know the one, how could you even do that to me?  And I can’t believe I confided in someone who I thought was sincere.  I should have known.  Of course you had your own motives for that too.  What was it you said to me from the fake profile?  Oh yes, “he means that much to you.”   You knew damn it, you knew.  Why did you have to ask?Sometimes I wish there were a rewind button so I could go back and cram all the words I have said to you.  What were you thinking?  I could go back and forth trying to decipher all of this nonsense and yes it is nonsense but what good would come from it.  We both look for blame in the other person when we are both actually to blame for letting it get this far.  Sometimes I wish I could hate you but I can’t.  I care for you to much to hate you and love you enough to let you go but why can’t you do the same.  You won’t tell me you love me.  You will say anything around it but won’t actually say it. So where does that leave us?  You are not an easy person to get over, Lord know it took me a long time to realize that  we would be nothing more than what we were but I hoped.  I don’t know what you did but I hoped.

I have told you time and time again to leave me alone.  I guess that might make me an asshole.  Did you do it? No.  So in all honesty that makes you one too.  Don’t you get tired of going through all the same bull shit?  I know I do, do you?  Its almost as if you want something to argue about with me.  Why?  Why would you want that?

There are a lot of guys I have turned my back to because of you.  I won’t even give them the time because of fear of ending up right back where I started.  What kind of life is that?  I guess its simple for you.  I am assuming that.  You got what you wanted from me, apparently but its just not enough for you?  What do I have left for you to take?  My hopes, my dreams?  What? It seems you want to be the guy that takes all my firsts away from me?  So far you haven’t succeeded.  I sometimes think that is the reason you won’t let go, because there are still many first times left for me.

I guess there are still many things I need to learn about this roller coaster because at the rate I am going, if I don’t I am gonna go into derail mode and God help you when you finally push me to my limit.  Trust me, I am getting there.

Now lets talk about your spy.  You say you don’t talk to him anymore, then you say he was a lot of fun to be around.  What does that even mean.  Did you fuck him?  He keeps telling people that he doesn’t understand why I don’t like him, trying to play the innocent bystander but you are the one that got him involved.  Don’t forget that.

After the conversation you and I had, your spy took a different approach to me.  Did you say something him that would make him do that.

Damn I am starting to sound paranoid so I will get off that subject but the thoughts are still in my head.

Well I have said enough for now but I am sure I will have more to say to you when the time is right.   The question is, will you be ready for it?